I haven’t updated lately and I guess that’s why I’ve gone slowly insane with built up emotions.

Monday I was teary
Tuesday I was emotionally drained
Wednesday I was grumpy
and today I cracked.
All my emotions that were bottled up came out, I just sat on the edge of my bed and I cried.
I cried for a good whole 30minutes I guess

I guess this is where people can find out the real me, the one that sits back and listens, the one that hides behind the caked on make mask.

So as boy after boy after boy comes and goes.
I’ve realized I’m so sick of that same of merry go round
where I let them in, they fuck me around, stand me up and then leave me a little more broken everytime
mum always said I had a big heart and when he leaves it will fall apart.

Nearly two years on I feel like everythings gone wrong from one thing to the next it just piles up.

I’ve tried the positive attitude and I’ve lived the negative
i’ve smiled and I’ve cried.
I’ve fallen and I’ve picked myself up.

But now I really just feel numb all the way through
right to the core.
Yes I’m alive and I’m breathing but inside I’m screaming
I went to the doctor and the words he said
made me mumbled and confused why do I get the shitty news
where I’ll be like this forever that there is no cure
live your life as normal as you can
easy for you to say your soft and smooth not a ridged groove.
I’ll spend up to several hours a day just to get that way.

Dear friends that aren’t friends
are you forgetting we had plans
that you miss me so but can’t even show
that you’ve been busy but had time to get jiggy.
Yeh really shows how far you’ll go for a friend
that’s there’s, that’s always cares.
That lent a shoulder when you cried cause
he lied, and led you on.
That left you heart broken and you couldn’t move on.
How far I went out of my way to say I love every single one of you everyday.

To the work that fired me, you were lucky to have hired me.
I worked my arse off day and night.
I took over when the boss couldn’t even show up
every morning bright and early
live your life around work, to get underpayed and over worked
where a person above you can’t even cover you
sit on there arse, for you to clean up all the mess.
That cleaning is below them, so you show them
that you do all the work and they get all the pay
they get the thanks you get the complaints.

Yeh what a joke
for all this time
I’ve heard the same lines

This kiss this kiss

Incrediable.
Unstopable.
Emotional.
Liveable.
Lovable.
Untouchable.

This kiss this kiss.

Time after time

So this could be it.
This could be the one.
Time after time.

605 days of you

Like a turning head
Like a second look
Like a burning leaf of an open book

Like a pounding sea
Like a messy crime
When your eyes first met with mine

Like a broken word
Like a tragic smile
Like a thousand steps or a single mile

Like a lonely chance
Like a savage glow
When you turned and said hello

I was just about to call
There were flowers on the ceiling
You left me feeling

Like a fading voice
Like a closing door
Like a dozen lies and a dozen more

Like a twisted tongue
Like distant bike
When we broke out in the dark

The stars looked like burning sparks
The lights were warm but chilling
You left me feeling

Tired
Could not close my eyes
On fire
But frozen inside
To run or to hide
Speechless my words could not melt
Whisper I wanted to shout
With out you I felt

Like a fleeting thought
Like a double eight
Like a gentle fear of a warming taste

Like a placid breath
Like a cooling blow
When you stopped and held me close

Inside I nearly froze
Your touch is almost healing
You left me feeling

Tired
Could not close my eyes
On fire
But frozen inside
To run or to hide
Speechless my words could not melt
Whisper I wanted to shout
With out you I felt

Like a setting sun
Like a last goodbye
Like an incomplete lullaby

Im my own reason why I’m lonely

When I Stand from afar I really see,
just how lonely has become of me.

It’s clean and clear,
I’m no winner here

I’m a statue of what’s left of youuuu
she’s the modern something newwww

I’ll have my own teaparty, with my new memory
no invitations, no fancy clothes
no pretty hair
just me and my teapot and chair.

We didn’t have the chemistry
nothing special between you and me
no decorated treehouse
nothing left but a shy mouse
no silly drawings
nothing left but your old things
just the early mornings

no daily bike rides
nothing but the the high tides

push them far away now
nothing can compare now
his not ever comin around
just the stormy rain cloud
sitting at the window watching all the kids grow
havent moved a inch here
nothing but a lonely tear

can i have a beer, make it 3, one for me

there i am waiting on tables, and counters
waiting for the day he comes along and saves my day
whens he gunna come along and save this day

can i have a beer, actually make that 3
heres your change sir, have a nice day sir

fake smiles and false laughs, come and save my day
he will come and save the day, he might one day save my day.

a tip for me, thanks heres another dollar for me
carry the glasses 20 at a time, wet floor there i go again
face first, smashed glass, mop in hand clean it up

can i have a beer, actually make it 3
his going to come save the day, maybe today.

close up,
tables in,
mopped up,
chairs in,
he didnt save the day, not today.

Looking into the future

If I could see into the future I would of seen this coming
I would of know exactly how it would all play out.

If I could see into the future I would of flipped alot of people off

but I can’t see into the future which sucks alot for me.

Status:

Now now don’t get me wrong helping people has it’s own rewards, seeing people happy is something I like to see.
The smile that sits upon their face is magical
now I don’t like to see people suffer no matter what.

But it does seem that people love to watch me suffer, do theyget a kick out of it ? Who knows.

I’ve gone through life helping people being the best that I can be, if I had to go without to see someone else happy then I went without.

I’m not a selfish person, I can’t be.

Since I was 14 I helped other people get jobs, they got paid more than me and I still got other people jobs.
Because that’s what I did I liked to help.

I buy people gifts because I like the smile on their face.
It’s not about money but a kind gesture is always nice.

But then here’s me drowning and where’s a hand to reach out and help? yeh no where.

I just ~love~ seeing those selfish people all for número UNO, help yourself first then others,
I like people that say one thing and do another.
I like people that talk shit and then it’s okay.
All this I actually hate if you don’t know sarcasm.

So sometimes yeh I would like it to be about me for a change not always but sometimes.

I.o.u one galaxy

stars are out tonight
and you’re the brightest one shining in my sky.
it’s like every wish I ever made came true.
the day I woke up lying next to you.

will you be my best friend
if I offer you my heart?
’cause it’s already yours.
we could hang out every night
and watch the sun go down.
as long as we could watch it rise again.

gave me a valentine.
it’s these little things that stand the test of time.
I’ve saved the tickets from the shows that we’ve been to.
and a thousand other memories of you.

will you be my best friend
if I offer you my heart?
’cause it’s already yours.

gave you this i.o.u. today.
it said good for one galaxy.
once I build my rocket to the stars.
we’ll fly away just you and me.

3am.

I need to get up in 4 hours, its weird normally im absolutely wrecked by 10pm where i would collapse in bed and fall fast asleep to a new day, but tonight i cant sleep im wide awake.
so over and over i write and write about love and my faith in love,
i was a strong beleiver in love, a very strong beleiver.
So many just thought i was a dreamer about this exsistence of true love.

Ive written time and time again about it, but the truth of the matter is
IT DOESNT EXSIST.

But i think ive come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as love
theres lonliness, one night stands and a whole lot of mess.
thats it, theres no such thing as love, beleive it or not.